The time has finally come! Tulley Tales: From Toddler to Teen has started, and you’re here to witness the birth of an empire. Autographed photos can be purchased from the gift shop at the end of ride. (Unironically, only seven weeks will focus on my ego.)

This series is going to let you all, my foolish readers, into my maze of mind to try to find some snippets of my childhood and connect them to my pessimistic yet effervescent adult life.

So before we dive headfirst into this shallow cesspool, I’d like to accomplish several things. First off, and most importantly, I don’t want this series to just be about me. My story isn’t nearly as important as I pretend, but yours are and I desperately want to share them. I am begging y’all to send me some insight into your younger years so that I (with your permission) can give you the recognition you deserve.

And finally, thank you. This series is going to get out of control fun, uncomfortable (for all of us), emotional and revealing, and I am so honored that people are showing interest in it. Also, y’all are suckers. Get out while you can.

Without further delay, bias or hyperbole, let me welcome you to the greatest story ever told. Mine. Tulley Tales: From Toddler to Teen starts now!

If you would, close your eyes and imagine a scene with me. Actually, keep your eyes open. You can’t read my gilded words with your eyes shut. I have specific setting for you. So with your eyes open, think of a serene, wooded area. Like a party set in The Lord of the Rings or some hipster photoshoot. Then, add a crowd dressed to nines (and one bald guy in a Hawaiian shirt) with expectant looks on their faces and sweat down their backs. Some eyes have already begun welling with tears as  a strapping young man serenades them. Then, silence. If you were at my wedding, or have any rudimentary knowledge of wedding processions, you know what comes next.

I appear at the crest of the sanctuary, with my groomsmen at my tail, as a catchy, familiar melody begins to play. As you hear the strings progress with me down the aisle, you faintly recognize the tune. It takes you a second before it hits you. You look to the guest next to you, say it ain’t so, is this Blink-182?!

You’re damn right I walked down the aisle to All The Small Things! Crappy punk rock, and Blink-182 in particular, was an integral part of my formative years and yes, Morgan hates it. She thinks that they’re terrible (and she isn’t really wrong). But the night went on, as I knew it would.

Shortly after singing nananananana in my head, I saw my elven queen climb the same hill. I’m not sure if we made eye contact immediately, as I was sobbing far too hard to see anything. Morgan and her dad followed the bridal party and I remember that she laughed. Well sort of, it was some kind of cry-laugh abomination. You see, I chose the music for our wedding. And I’ll be damned if she didn’t walk down the aisle to marry me as Concerning Hobbits played from the background.

Now onto Tiny Chris. The music choice in the ceremony came straight from my time as nerdy, rebellious tiny human. I never really enjoyed social interactions, much to the vexation of my parents.

I don’t have any hard feelings towards Mom and Pop Tulley; I was their first child and they did a great job of raising me. But I don’t know if they knew what they were given. Because they, like any reasonable parent, wanted me to have edifying friendships, and I hated that. I had to make my own choices. I had to be my own person. That person, fortunately, was a loser.

When I first learned that I was in love with Nirvana and idolized Kurt Cobain, I think my mom started planning where she would run after she killed me. Even though I know they were concerned, they rarely told me turn down the music or to socialize more (it wouldn’t have worked anyways). Punk rock taught me that out of confusion, chaos and pain, can come intricate, delicate pieces of art.

My dad and I sob every time we watch the final Hobbit film. (We both think it was a travesty, but we just cannot handle the truth that the series ended.) It was our series. Those movies, those books, those are the sort of stories my family, as well as Morgan’s, valued deeply.

And geeze, look how drastically those choices influenced me! I went to college to get a degree in Literature. I still listen to crappy punk rock to this day and have two band tattoos (The Front Bottoms and Manchester Orchestra, fyi.)  The nerd kingdom is my home. And I’m currently loving being married to a woman who takes the time to learn about my favorite video games, books and music.

Now that’s the just the beginning of the wedding story. If you want to know how else my childhood directly influenced the happiest day of my life, tune in next week to Dragon Ball … I mean, Tulley Tales: From Toddler to Teen!