I just hopped out the tub, I was steaming, reading Emerson while Kiah was making beats in his room next door. The water rippled from the bass. I needed this kind of reset. I didn’t get my ass outta bed til 7pm, unless you count a trip to the fridge and the toilet. I just couldn’t.

The trillest bro ever Bobby was at the crib last night when I got home from chilling at my brothers, and we ended passing white claws and jameson till about 7 am. More on that in a sec

The reset, the self care I am forcibly implementing on myself this very moment, was to cope with a dream I had. I fell asleep after the Saints nearly fucked up against them dirty birds (WHO DAT) so like 4:30. This dream was short, and scary and visceral and introduced this weird new feeling.

Okay, scene: I am in the backseat on the drivers side of an suv, with a girl in the seat next to me. I never saw her face, but when she gripped my hand, I knew immediately. I believe one of my coworkers was driving. We come up a hill on a city street that leads to an underpass. There were two school buses blocking the intersection, and the kids were running away from something up ahead.

Everyone was running away from something. Gun shots. I can see a group of people in black fucking shooting people in the cars and the street. I attempted to hide on the floor board, she had curled up there as well. Somehow I could see out the window like a movie scene, and this women knocked on the window, and shot my driver. Blood brains whole scene. then I’m back on the floorboard, covering my head, reaching for her hand. Then I had this thought, that I have personally never considered. Is dying going to hurt? Would she just get it over with I don’t like pain. It was sheer panic. In my dream. In my head my heart was racing and preparing for death. Boom. Nother gunshot. Her hand goes limp. I whimper a couple times and wake up.

I hear a lot of gunshots nowadays. In live in that part of town. While meditating at like 1 pm Wednesday, I heard maybe 7 shots in the course of an hour. Ands that’s while I’m sitting in silence, who fucking knows how many I don’t hear.

Buddhism is training me for death, as a sickly person I think its a facet I need to take seriously. But living here now? I don’t actively get out of my car and think someones going to shoot me before I get in the house, but wow this perspective is heavy. I knew in that moment what to pray for.

So yeah I’m still shook from that shit. I rarely remember dreams, like I could not tell you the last time I had one. Nothing like seeing your friends die.

Back to Bobby. He makes music with my roommates and is seriously talented. But we were that kinda drunk where’s telling me that the bible is actually aliens and trumps policies werent so bad and shit like that. And I just drank it in. I;m grateful for friends like him who show me the world in a different light. Thats a midnight gospel quote. But we played songs back and forth and sang and drank more and had an incredible time.

Last thing for today. I hit up my good friend Jack for some advice, on what I needed to do today to get out of bed and work towards my goal. I explained that I knew what I want my life to center around, but not how to get there or what work would be. He asked what that was, and here’s the truth.

I want to live somewhere near the mountains and oceans. I want to swim, hike, do yoga on a mountain at sunrise, camp with Brees. On a day like today, if I lived somewhere like that, I wouldn’t have been in bed all day. I’m an eagle scout. I’m a poet I’m looking for my walden pond. my blue cliff. I dont give a fuck what I did for what, I imagine if I had those components, everything else would work just fine.

He had no answer, but he did admire me for my drive and dream, and said he was proud of what I’ve done and where I’ll go. and that was enough. I bathed, ive drawn, I’m writing, my week is planned out and my kitchen is somewhat clean.