I will soon be many moons away. I joined the Starlight Brigade lightyears ago. I have traveled to different dimensions, strange planets, with lovely, vulgar creatures.

My time on this planet is coming to an end, hopefully within the next several months, and I will sail past the stars again. I do not dream of space travel, I envision it. I am manifesting my path.

I struggle with the idea of leaving, but deep down it’s what I want and what’s probably best. If that concept exists, me moving on to a bigger city, a better a job, is what’s best. I have big big plans, and they are as intimidating as they are grand.

As a youth, I was big fan of the band Yellowcard, I saw them live multiple times, had copies of all the cds, the whole thing. Clean pop punk riffs about love and the ocean, can’t beat that. On their 2011 album, “When youre through thinking, say yes” Yellow card put words to the rambling confusion I’ve felt about my constant desire to move on. The song is called “A Life of Leaving Home” and that’s exactly what I’m creating for myself.

“I am awake and alive there is something calling me.
More than a moment in time, it’s a dream I’m following on my own.
More than a moment in time, it’s a life of leaving home.”

This isn’t my first time settling into a city and moving away. It won’t be the last. I’ve never had a desire to stay in Fort Wayne. When I was in high school and decided I wanted to become a journalist, the plan was to get a job in small city A, move up to bigger city B, more experience more money more adventures, then bam move on to City C and do it all again. So whether I have a job like that or I continue with the company I work for now, which has over 50 properties I can presumably transfer to aaaaaaaand ya boy is about to the new bar manager so my chances are even better. Can you believe it? Someone trusts me enough to promote me, my hard work and passion is coming to fruition despite a pandemic, despite a mild mental breakdown a few weeks ago and an itchy breakup, my life is getting better. I am getting better. Wow. Yall, If this can happen to me, the worst there is, you all can do anything. Go get it, for me.

Despite, what a gross word. Despite all those wonderful things I humbly have been given, its easy to be sad about this lifestyle. I carry it with me at all times, and it’s all I can do to stay positive. Leaving behind the best support system I’ve had yet, the hottest love I’ve ever felt, some of the best companies, endless possibilities close to home.

My younger sister and her fiance just bought a house in New Haven. I literally couldn’t imagine, but she’s never been happier. Her peace brings me much peace, but I am not the same. Or at least, I never thought I was until this last lil honey. She was something else, and if she asked me to stay, start a family get a teaching job and a crib in the suburb, I’d do it tomorrow. But she won’t, no one wants me to stay here. My friends and family realize that my heart aches for space travel again. I have to accept that.

I never knew life could be as good as it has been for me the last few months, if you add together all my victories, blood sweat and tears, love found and lost, I am a rich rich man. My ship is fueled and the repairs are nearly done, a blastoff is inevitable.

Though I have always desired this path, it has been intensified in the last few years, but so has the itch to settle. I am no scientist, and reading studies and articles on the internet only has so much merit, but I read a stat that has led me to believe that people with my set of diseases have a life expectancy of 27.9 years.

I just turned 28 two weeks ago. And I may never get more sick than I am, my cancer may never progress who knows, I try to be healthy I am taking better care of my entity than ever, but what if my fuse is reals short? My mother acknowledged this the other day, and it lit me up. She said that even though she has seen her share of pain and hardships, she couldn’t imagine how hard it is to walk around with what I have in me. A time bomb till my bone marrow dies or my organs fail. Or a future in a hospital bed, but ya see, I’m poor, so that won’t really work. I might die. soon. Or not. We all have that on us. And I dont want a pity party, so many people have it worse than I do. I am grateful for the hurdles I have to jump over. If I dont go live my dream now, I might not get to. But that means leaving behind all of you, what If I don’t make it back? SPace travel is daunting.

I want to swallow the sun. See you space cowboy.