I am 28 years old. That is 10,220 rotations. I did not sleep every night, I was not awake for all the days. I have skipped time, lost memories and fabricated just as many.

I am one year older. My bones are often out of place. My lungs are the only useful organs, they do most of the heavy lifting. The colors in my skin are spreading with the scarring.

“Pretty girls make graves” — A Jack Kerouac quote from a book called Dharma Bums, is tattooed on my arm in the pen of a very pretty girl, and as of late, she very well could put me in the grave.

Jack, one of my favorite authors, a true free thinking adventuring hooligan who drank himself to death in the middle of the most recent century, was defining the concept that all life and death and the spa days in between and that deep suffering we are all experience is the direct result of our parents fucking.

In this novel, which is about his life as a Buddhist hippie hobo in California in the 50s, time in the mountains and hills of the PNW. I find this life very appealing. Im newly Buddhist, and I’m enjoying it as much as it engages and challenges me. I’m very very new to the belief.

Anyways. Pretty girls, dead guys and blue eyes. I see what Jack is saying about the aforementioned quote, he further explains it when he sees a dead dog on the side of the road, thin and starved. The dog died, in a run around way, because some bitch got fucked.

Im treating this site differently now. In an effort to just produce produce produce no nonsense series and graphics like this is just my online journal now. For now, no advertising, I’m in a place in life where this is not about sharing my ideas and brand, it’s about me doing things for me. I hope this helps me write posts and poems and prose, to be doing that regularly and thoughtfully again has been one of my only goals as of late.

Who the fuck knows what tomorrow brings, it’s Rona. Idk how to plan for the future, or what to properly prepare for. As a worrier who is trying his hardest to dip the fuck outta Fort Wayne next year, this has become a serious problem for me. I know what I’d like to be doing, and have an open mind to where I can go, but its been tough getting past this point. I’m not past this point yet.

So I have a goal, to create in the meantime. To build up those habits like I have my daily yoga, Almost regular meditation, and alcohol tolerance.

I’m writing. About my 28th birthday on my 28th birthday. No lies I have straight up been showered in love and gluten free snacks between last night and today. I’m coming off a rough couple weeks, so this outpouring from damn near all the important people in my life is overwhelming. I’m in the eye of the care and affection hurricane, I am surrounded.

And yet.

There’s always a ‘but’ isn’t there? It’s never good enough for ol cool Chris. I suffer from this. There’s always a butt.

And this butt, this but, is attached to, at this moment, someone wonderful with something special in her eyes and the ways she made me feel the last two months is worth the suffering I feel now, because I know I’ll be better, stronger, more mature because of the situation, because I sit and listen and learn about why I feel the way I do, what she does and brings to my life, I get it. I take it seriously.

The 1 person I’d have like to maaaaaybe see or talk to, I didnt. God damn that pretty girl. And I get it, in a million billion different realities we couldn’t make it work, and yeah she’s gonna see this at some point and be like “damn chris air out our laundry, try to make me feel bad by being a lil bitch on the internet and whining in the hopes that it works. It wont.”

yikes

actually can’t wait till the conversation happens, I’ll let ya know *winky kissy face*

One last thing. Overwhelmed has been my default for the year of 27. I am overwhelmed by how great shit wit her was, but also by the fact that, if it was this good now, what does my life hold? Why can’t it be better? It can. Ill be there. \

And then the opposite. The fall hit hard, and I had forgotten how haunting my feelings and mind can be. My life, the snowball gaining size and speed, has been really good lately, so I am overwhelmed that now, I can still fall that hard. Hurt that bad. Ugh

At the end of my 10,220th day, at 11:47 pm, I am stoned, I am fulfilled, and I am hungry. To be better. Like Buddha encourages, for the good of all.